Disclaimer: The characters of JAG don't belong to me. I just borrowed them from Bellisarius Productions, Paramount and CBS for this story. No infringement intended.

Conviction of Marriage

2030 ZULU
The Robert's home

AJ Roberts fourth birthday party was interrupted by a loud wail coming from one of the table's. Harriet Roberts turned to her right where Colonel Sarah MacKenzie was sitting. On her lap, 11 months old Jonathan Harmon Rabb was snuggled against his mother's chest and obviously was displeased with the fact that for once not he, but birthday boy AJ had his father's attention.

"What's up with daddy's little boy?" Harm asked as he approached the table and scooped his son out of Mac's arms.

"He was just trying to get daddy's attention? I mean, what got into you playing with AJ instead of your own son, sailor?" Mac smirked, giving him a wink.

Pleased with the fact that he now had his father's attention, Jonah grew quiet. A smile broke out on his face, showing everybody his first few teeth. The last teeth he grew had cost Harm and Mac three sleepless nights in a row. They were glad their little boy had now found it more satisfying to sleep all night instead of keeping them up all night and sleeping during the day - where obviously all the fun happened.

"Now that you have an eye on Jonah, I can help Harriet clean off the table." Mac said and turned to help Harriet gathering the dirty dishes from the table.

"You really don't need to, Mac. Bud will help me later."

"Nonsense. Look at him. He's busy teaching AJ and his friends how to play football..."

Mac grew quiet when she saw Harm approaching Bud and the kids around him. No, he sure wouldn't do what she thought he would. No, no, no, Jonah was still too small. He couldn't even walk yet without his parents' help. Yet, seeing that Harm had stood Jonah on the lawn made her a little worried.

"Harm, you are not thinking what I am just thinking you wanna teach Jonah?" she called while picking up the dishes on the table.

"Don't worry, Sarah, we're just training on those walking skills."

Mac glanced at Harm and Jonah one last time before she carried the dishes to the kitchen. Harriet had already started filling the dish washer.

"I never heard Harm call you Sarah before." Harriet uttered and took the dishes out of Mac's hands to put them into the washer.

"He only calls me that when we're alone. He says Mac is the woman he works with, Sarah the one he loves. Not that I think that makes a difference."

"I still can't understand why you haven't accepted to marry him yet."

"I feel like I am not ready to take that step yet. I don't need some paper to proove that I love Harm and Jonah. We are one family, even without being married."

"You have a very unconventional point of view about marriage and family."

Mac chuckled, "You talk like Harm."

"This has nothing to do with your past?"

Mac grew quiet for a moment. She wished she could have kept that part of her life a secret forever, but when Chris appeared in DC, her life started to crumble. Only with Harm's help, she had finally overcome her past.

"My first marriage was a disaster." she finally admitted to Harriet. "I feel that I don't know the true values of marriage anymore. Not after what happened with Chris. Harm deserves better than me. I possibly can't give him what he looks for in marriage, I have never seen a happy marriage before - except yours of course."

"You think Harm desevers better than you? Mac, you have a beautiful baby boy together, don't you think it's a little late to think like that? You love Harm and you trust him. You find comfort in him, he's your best friend. And all that, he also finds in you. That's what marriage is about. If you see it like that, you could already be married for years." Harriet paused for a moment, before she added, "Does Harm know how you think about this?"

"I think he does, though I've never told him. And you won't neither."

Harriet shook her head no, "But talk to him about it. He needs to know."

"Hey marine," Harm interrupted the conversation, "our little fly boy needs a new diaper. Where did you put the bag?"

"Oh, I think I left it in the living room." Mac gladly changed the subject. " Let me take care of that. Come to mommy, Jonah."

Mac scooped Jonah out of Harm's arms and left the kitchen. Meanwhile, Harriet closed the washer and turned it on.

"I am really curious what your last step is to convince Mac to marry you. I know you talked to Bud about it yesterday, but he won't tell me."

Harm smiled, "Oh, that is our little secret."

"Have you ever talked to Mac about how she feels about marriage and why she never accepted your proposal?"

"She's scared of something, but she wouldn't tell me. She's still locking out some of her feelings though I've seen her change since Jonah was born. But that's the Marine in her."

"Try to talk to her and finally get her to confess what she is scared about. I feel like it's not only going to eat up her, but also your relationship.

0130 ZULU
The Rabb's home

Mac stood at Jonah's crib and tucked him in. The little boy was sucking at a bottle of milk, and his tiny eyes grew smaller and smaller. Mac placed a kiss on her son's forehead before she turned off the lights and left the nursery.

"Little fly boy asleep?" Harm asked when she joined him in the living room.

"Just a matter of time."

Harm got up from the couch and placed his arms around Mac's waist. He pulled her closer.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Sarah MacKenzie?"

"Not that I can remember." she replied with a smile on her face.

"I love you, Sarah. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you know that." he paused for a moment, before he added, "Talk to me why you don't wanna marry me. Help me understand the way you feel."

Mac pulled out of Harm's embrace. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned away from him. Yet again, Harm felt like she was shutting him out, pushing her feelings away. Not getting an answer out of her hurt him more than just a simple no. Little did he know what Mac was feeling. She was afraid - afraid of dumping any more of her problems on Harm. He had already done it countless times before, and she just loved him too much to do it again.

"Talk to me, Sarah, please." Harm begged and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Help me understand."

"I can't." Mac choked on her words.

Finally, Harm made her turn around. He titled her chin up to force her to face him. Tears were welling in her eyes. He wanted to understand he so badly, and just seeing those tears made his heart ache.

"You do trust me, don't you?"

"'Course." Mac replied as she wiped the tears out of the corner of her eyes.

"Then tell me. I will listen."

"You wouldn't understand. It would hurt you."

"I am already hurting not to be able to help you. What are you afraid of? Please, for once, push down the marine in you and just be Sarah MacKenzie and tell me what you are afraid of."

"The past." was all she could manage to say.

Finally being to able to understand her at least a little bit, he pulled her into a tight hug. He had thought she had closed that chapter of her life years ago, but obviously, it was still haunting her in some way. He felt her starting to cry into his shoulder. Once again, he felt so helpless not being able to help her.

"Shhhh..." he tried to soothe her, starting to stroke her chestnut brown hair.

"You wouldn't understand." Mac mumbled again.

"Make me understand. A relationship is not based on good times only, it's the bad times that make you grow closer. I feel like we're drifting apart when you keep on shutting me out. And the last thing I want is losing you. You mean so much to me."

Mac lifted her head and gazed at Harm. In her eyes, he could see that she was scared, and that she was concerned - concerned about what she would do to him if she finally confessed what she was afraid of.

"I need time, Harm. Please don't push me."

"I only want the best for you. I want you to open up to me. What did happen to us? What did I do wrong?"

Mac shook her head, as single tear rolled down her cheek, "It's not you, it's me. It's all my fault."

She turned away from Harm and ran upstairs, locking herself in her son's room. In all the months since the baby was born, this was not the first time she had done that. When she approached the crib, she saw that Jonah was sound asleep. Gently, she brushed his dark fuss of hair.

"How the hell did I get us into this?" she whispered not to wake her sleeping son. "My life falls to pieces, and you seem to be the only one who doesn't care about one damn thing I did in my past. Harm will be the father you deserve, but I don't think I ever will be the mother you deserve. That doesn't mean I don't love you more than my life, Jonah, but love is not enough."

Tears started to flow down Mac's cheeks again.

"I am so sorry, Jonah, I am so sorry..."

She dropped down on her knees in front of the crib and started to cry even more.

1400 ZULU
The next morning
The Rabb's home

A knock on the front door brought Harm out of his thinking. He was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. He hadn't talked to Mac since last night. She had slept in the nursery like she had done several times before. He knew it was the best to just leave her alone with Jonah for some time. The unconditionable love this boy had for his mother always did her some good.

Once again, Harm heard a knock at the door. He finally shook off all his thoughts about Mac and went to open the door.

"Good morning, Harriet." he said surprised.

"Good morning, Harm." Harriet replied upon entering the house. "I hope I am not interrupting?"

"No, absolutely not."

Harm closed the door behind her.

"Is Mac around?"

"She's still upstairs with Jonah."

"Air seems tensed in here." Harriet noted.

Harm sighed, "We talked about marriage again last night, but it didn't work too well. She's shutting me out of her feelings, and I don't know how long I can take that."

"I had a feeling she wouldn't tell you the truth though I told her to."

"She told you?"

Harriet nodded. She sat down on the couch in the living room, Harm in one of the chairs opposite her.

"She asked me not to tell you, but I feel someone needs to before it is going to destroy her. She pretends to be the strong marine, but you as well as I know that deep inside her she's very fragile. She can't handle her feelings too well." Harriet stopped for a moment and placed her hand on top of Harm's. "Mac never learned what it was meant to grow up in a family. Her feelings for you and Jonah, they scare her. I guess she was doing fine as long as it was just you living together, but when you asked her to marry you, it opened a door to her past that she had successfully locked for so many years."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"Harm, she told me yesterday that she thinks you deserve better than her. She thinks she doesn't know the true values of marriage anymore. Her first marriage was a disaster, you know better than me how it turned out. You need to show her what marriage means to you, what she means to you, and Jonah. You need to teach her that it is okay to let her feelings out."

"That's easy to say." Harm let out a light chuckle. "You have never tried to get Sarah MacKenzie to confess something she's scared of."

Jonah's crying from upstairs interrupted their conversation.

"Mac?" Harm called, but apparently wasn't heard as Jonah kept on wailing even harder.

"Sarah?" he called again, but when he didn't get an answer, he went upstairs to the nursery. To his suprise, the closed door wasn't locked anymore.

"Sarah?" he asked when he entered, but the only person he found in the room was his wailing son. He was sitting in his crib, raising his arms to be picked up.

"Where's your mommy, fly boy?" he cooed at Jonah when he picked him up. That was when he caught sight of a note pinned at Jonah's teddy bear on the changing table. He picked it up and read it.

Harm, I am sorry I have to tell you this way but I had to leave. You and Jonah deserve better than me. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I need time to find back to myself. The last two years together with you has been the most incredible time in my life, but also the most scary. I always felt like I was not good enough for you because I was not able to open myself up. When you asked me to marry you shortly after our little fly boy was born, I realized for the first time that I can't give you what you are looking for in marriage. You were raised believing in true and most of all everlasting and unconditionable love. Your parents and grandparents have done a good job bringing you up the way you are now. I have never felt any of this until my uncle Matt pulled me out of the mud. Maybe one day, I will be able to feel the way about you the way you feel about me. Please forgive me. Love, Sarah

" Oh my god, Sarah!"

0315 ZULU
Red Rock Mesa, AZ

Mac sat on the ground next to her rental car. Her arms were wrapped around her knees, her jeans already showing red soil stains all over. This is where she hoped she would be able to finally wrap up her past - forget about everything that had happened to her and start a new life with Harm. There was nothing else she wanted more than showing Harm and Jonah what they meant to her, but she felt that just saying she loved them was not enough. Harm had a way to show her his love just by a single thing he did, or how he acted. She had always failed in that matter. Thoughts of her abusive father came back to her mind...

26 years earlier
The Mackenzie's trailer

8-year old Sarah MacKenzie's hands were tied up at the small window handle next to her cot. Ever since she had tried to run away from her drunken father a week ago, he tied her to the bed when her mother was not home.

Sarah lay on the cot and stared at the snoring figure on the ground. As usual, her father lay totally drunk on the floor, sleeping. He began to stir and slowly roled over, showing signs of waking up. Sarah turned to the wall and pinched her eyes closed. Maybe if she pretended to sleep, her father would leave her alone at least for once.

"Sarah!" she suddenly heard her drunken father scream. "Wake up, brat!"

Sarah pretended to not hear him.

"Sarah, where's my beer?" he snarled.

Sarah didn't look, but she heard her father stumbling over several empty beer bottles on the ground. She thought he was staying away from her at least this one time, when she felt two strong hands grab her by her shoulders and whirling her around.

"My beer, brat!" he screamed at her.

Disgusted by the smell of beer, Sarah turned her face away. Every second of the day, she hated him for doing that to her.

Suddenly, Sarah felt a hand on her cheek, and it started to hurt. She hadn't seen it coming. She saw her father raise his hand again. She tried to shield her face with her hands, but by dragging her tied up hands up to her face, she just made it worse. Her father started to pull at the plastic cord he had used to tie her.

Sarah had told herself not to cry, but she couldn't keep the tears back. She was in pain, and not only physically. When she saw blood dropping from her wrists, she decided to scream as loud as she could. Maybe her father would let go of her.

"You want to cry?" her father screamed at her. "I will give you something to cry about!"

Sarah was pulled up from the cot. Her father pulled his belt out of his pants. Then he grabbed her by her shirt, and turned her around, her plain back to him. Sarah squeezed her eyes shut, and was waiting for the usual 'zap' 'zap' she heard when the belt hit her back. But before her father could start, the trailer door swung open and her mother entered.

"Joseph!" she cried when she saw what he was about to do. She ripped the belt out of his hands. "Hell, so that's where she got the cuts on her wrists from."

Deanna O'Hara grabbed a knife from the nearby table and cut her daughter free. Sarah immediately crawled to the back end of her cot and curled up in a ball. From her eyes, tears were still flowing down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut and only could imagine what now was going on.

"You tell me what I to do?" she heard her father scream.

For some odd reason, Sarah was glad that her mother got home just so her father would let go off her and turn to her mother. She heard glass shattering - he was hitting her with the bottles again. Sarah's hands made their way to her ears, covering them tightly. She couldn't take anymore of this, so she started to distract herself by starting to sing what came to her mind first.

"Twinkle twinkle little star..."

"... how I wonder what you are." Mac choked on her words.

She wiped the tears from her eyes. She sighed and looked up at the horizon where the sun was slowly setting. Here is where she felt peace - and loneliness. Deep inside her, she wished Harm would be there with her, just sitting next to her and watching the sun set. Somehow, she had to let out a cuckled when she heard a car pulling up behind her. She didn't even have to turn to know that it was Harm. He knew her better than anyone else, and he knew exactly where to find her. Maybe that was also a reason why she had come to Red Rock Mesa and had not gone somewhere else.

Without saying anything, Harm sat down next to her. In his arms, Jonah lay sleeping. Silently, he reached for her hand and squeezed her close. Mac slowly turned to face him when she saw her tiny baby boy sleeping in his father's arms. That was when she broke out in tears again.

0430 ZULU
Red Rock Mesa, AZ

Harm and Mac still sat in the Arizona desert. They hadn't talked a single word since Harm arrived, they just sat there in the sunset, holding on close to each other, and their son sleeping in Mac's lap.

"Harm..." Mac finally broke the silence. "I am glad you came."

Harm just smiled at her and squeezed her closer.

"This place is a sanctuary for me. I seem to get the answers here I never thought I would find."

Harm wasn't sure if he should bring up the topic of marriage again, but then again he felt that this place gave Mac the strength to finally confess to him what she was scared of.

"Harriet stopped by this morning. She told me what you talked about yesterday."

Mac sighed, "I will tell you. This is something I have not told anyone before, not even my uncle Matt." She paused for a moment to try to think of the words to tell him. "Ever since I can remember, my father used to beat whoever was in his way first, my mother or me. By the time I went to school, I already had had two fractured rips, broken arms and legs and several concusion when he hit my head against the wall. By the time I turned 8, I was so miserable that I just wanted to get away. My parents had to sell their house, so we were living in some old and dirty trailer just where he found a place to pull off the road. One day, when my mother was at work and my father had passed out drunk again, I packed up my stuff and decided to run away. I didn't get far, my father picked me up two miles down the road. That night was the first night when I felt my father's belt. And to make sure I wouldn't get away again, he tied me up when my mother was gone. It was living hell. By the time I was 16, I was an alcoholic like my father. My mother had left me behind with an abusive alcoholic and drinking just seemed the way out. Then Chris came my way. I took the first opportunity to get out of there. I thought it would get better, but it didn't. In some ways, he was worse than my father. He supplied me with the alcohol I needed, he robbed gas stations and grocery stores to get us the money we needed. And he beat me when I wasn't exactly doing what he wanted me to. All those years, I only wanted was to be loved. Nobody ever seemed to care about that, I just always got hurt. At 19, my uncle Matt finally pulled me out of this shit. I think I was pretty good at hiding my little alcohol problem though. When that terrible accident happened, he thought I had a hangover from graduation night. It was a shook for him to find out I had just become like my father, and alcoholic. He helped me dry out, and finally encouraged me to become a marine. He was the first one to teach me what love really means. He loved me, no matter what I did."

Mac sniffed and brushed a tear away from her eyes. Never had she thought she could tell this a soul, but she felt that Harm understood - better than anyone else.

"I fear that someday all this is going to come back to me. I am an alcoholic, Harm, how will I know I will stay sober forever? How will I know I won't turn my hand against Jonah? I thought I could manage, and I really tried, but at some point I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. I was brought up that way, how do I know I do the right thing? How do I know that someday I won't turn out like my father?"

"Sarah, you are nothing like your parents. Heaven, when I met your mother for the first time, I thought how the hell could a woman like her have such a smart, beautiful, loyal and caring daughter. When I found out about your father, I had to think of the strength you have in you. I he wasn't already dead, I think I would have killed him. And finally with this Chris issue, I realized your desperation to leave your abusive father behind. You have struggled to become what you are now. Do you know why you are different than your parents? You care, Sarah. You care about me, about our son, and about your friends. We've come this far together in all those years. I don't want you to throw it away just because of your past. He..." Harm pointed at their sleeping son, "he was your new start all over. Not once have I seen you lose your temper with him, you weren't even close. And believe me, when he kept us up all night long for three weeks and all he did was crying, I almost lost it myself. But what did you do? You just sat with him for hours, tried to soothe him. You had patience with him, your parents did not."

Mac smiled as she looked down at her baby boy and began to stroke his hair.

"I know that every time you opened up to the people you loved you got hurt. Believe me, I could never do one thing to hurt you. You are too precious to me. I want you to feel save with me, and trust me. You made the first step tonight, you finally told me what scares you. Our family - you, me and Jonah - is nothing going to be like what your family was like."

"But how can you be so sure about it? How do you know that one day I won't go over the top?"

"'Cause I know you, Sarah. You would never allow yourself to become that way. You have gone through hell, and just by the way you look at our little fly boy I know that you will protect him from anything bad in this world. You just need to open up and tell me to help me understand, help you cope. Locking up is only going to drift us apart."

"You know an answer to everything, I don't. See? Told you I was no good for you."

"Do you know where I get my answers in life from? You!"

"Me?" Mac asked disbelieving.

"You, ninja girl. And you know why? The situation can be helpless, but you never give up to fight. And that's not the only lesson I learned from you. For the longest time I had wondered how someone can deal with everything you had to endure. To be honest, I would have already lost the fight if I was you. You complete me, Sarah."

"Geez, am I getting that Jerry Maguire crap again?" Mac chuckled.

Harm had to laugh, "Now that was the Sarah I missed."

"I guess after all, I figured that together we will be fine forever. I just needed to go back to my childhood once again to finally put an end to it and set me free. What was it you said last night? Bad times make us grow together even more. I think after this, nothing and no one will ever be able to seperate us again."

"Sarah, I feel like I need to tell you what marriages means to me. Till this morning when I found your note, I wasn't even sure what I expected from marriage, but now I know. It means you and me spending the rest of our lives together; it means being best friends forever, and most of all to me it means being loved by the family I ever wanted. It means trust and comfort, and it means home. Marriage is not only a piece of paper to me, it's a belief. And I want you to share that with me. You think you can do that?"

Mac nodded silently. She glanced up at Harm, and for the first time ever, she saw tears welling in his eyes. Gently, she placed her hand on his cheek and leaned in to kiss him.

1415 ZULU
The next morning
Arizona Desert Inn
Red Rock Mesa, AZ

The first rays of sun touched room 12. Jonathan Harmon Rabb lay in his sleeping father's arm and wrinkled his nose. He yawned and squirmed, when he noticed that an arm was drapped across his chest. He let out a light squeal to let his mother know that he was not pleased with the position she had chosen during her night's sleep.

Mac's head was resting on Harm's shoulder, her arm drapped not only across his bare chest, but also her son's. Slowly, she turned around when she felt someone tugging at her hand. She rubbed her eyes, only to see that Jonah had sat up and was smiling at her.

Mac scooped him up and lay back down, her son on her chest. She had thought about getting back to sleep, but apparently, Jonah was wide awake now. He started patting her cheeks, squealing with delight.

"0615, I know, way past your breakfast time." Mac mumbled and sat up.

She picked her pants from the ground and quickly got dressed. Then she picked Jonah up who was already close to start bouncing on Harm's chest.

"Let daddy sleep."

Harm rolled over when Mac picked up the room key and silently opened the door. She squeezed her eyes shut when the slowly rising sun hit her eyes. Making sure Harm was still sleeping, she carefully closed the door behind her. She made her way over to a pay phone at the end of the building.

1420 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA

The phone on Lt. Bud Robert's desk began to ring. He picked it up immediately.

"Bud, this is Mac." he heard the voice on the other side identify herself.

"Colonel, where are you?" Bud asked, waving his hand for his wife Harriet to come over. "The Admiral is asking for you ever since he came in. He is this close to file an AWOL on you."

"We'll be back by tomorrow morning, don't worry."

Meanwhile, Harriet had reached her husband's desk. Not having a clue what he wanted, she shrugged her shoulders at him. Bud covered the receiver with his hand.

"It's the Colonel."

"Let me talk to her."

Without complaining, Bud handed the receiver over to his wife. Then she hushed him away, this was going to be a private conversation no one needed to know about.

"Mac, this is Harriet. Where are you?"

"Red Rock Mesa, Arizona. I am fine, Harriet, you don't have to worry about me."

"Harm is somewhere out there looking for you. And he has Jonah with him. He wouldn't let him stay behind with us."

"Harm's here. He caught up with me last night. Harriet, I just wanted to call and thank you. I know you told Harm though I told you not to. Maybe this was the push I finally needed."

"Are you two okay?"

"I guess we are - now. I thought I had put my past behind me, but I needed to go back one last time to finally put an end to it. I thought I could do it alone, but I was wrong."

"Never underestimate the power of love, Mac."

Mac chuckled, "Will never again. Oh, and please tell the Admiral Harm and I went not AWOL."

"Don't worry about the Admiral. I explain it to him without saying a word."

"Thanks again."

The phone call was interrupted when Jonah punched his hand on the cradle. He giggled, and kept on pushing it down.

"Jonathan Harmon Rabb!" Mac scolded at him.

A chuckle escaped her lips when she saw her son turn his head towards her and giving her the most adorable puppy look she'd ever seen.

"Oh geez, I hate it when you do that. Just like your father. Speaking of, let's see if he is still asleep."

Silently, Mac opened the door to room 12. Jonah giggled when he saw that his father was still asleep. Mac indicated for him to be silent and placed him down on the bed. Then she crawled up to bed herself.

Harm woke slowly when he felt two lips capturing his own. Without even opening his eyes, he wrapped his arms around Mac's neck and pulled her on top of him.

"Where did you go?"

"No good morning, sailor?"

Harm smiled as he finally opened his eyes.

"A very good morning to you. So, where did you go?"

"I had a call to make. The Admiral was already this close to file an AWOL on both of us."

Harm grimaced, "Ouch!"

"You may say that." Mac replied and turned around to get her son who was unsuccessfully trying to climb over her. She placed him in Harm's arms before she rolled over and climbed out of bed.

"You know, fly boy," she started as she opened Jonah's diaper bag to look for the one milk bottle left, "I already told you that I am a sucker for dress whites... don't want to see you show up at our wedding in some black tux - that's if you still want to."

Mac didn't get a reply, and she didn't dare to turn. After all, she had put Harm through a rough time, and yet wasn't sure that after all those confessions she had to make, he still wanted to marry her. She had seen tears in his eyes the night before, and given the fact they had not shared a word till that morning, she wasn't sure what those tears really meant. Mac was relieved when two arms encircled her waist, and Harm rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Can do that, but you, Marine, I don't want to see you in anything else than some beautiful white wedding gown - unless for the wedding night, I then picture you in..."

"Leave that thought to yourself, fly boy. I might just catch up with it."

"Anytime, Mac, anytime."