Disclaimer: The characters of JAG don't belong to me. I just borrowed them from Bellisarius Productions, Paramount and CBS for this story. No infringement intended.

A Question of Honor

1434 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA

Mac sat at her desk, staring down at the file in her hands - her service record. There were so many things mentioned in this file, things she'd rather forget about and things that nobody at JAG knew about.

Sighing deeply, she thought about the JAG investigators the Admiral had told her about that morning - the men who would check out her recommendation for the Medal of Honor, two Lt. Cmdr.s from the Norfolk JAG office.

From her own experience, she knew exactly that everything that ever happened in her life as a Marine would surface, if she wanted to or not. It were not the good things in her record that counted, it were the mishaps, the article 32 hearings, the court martial that graced her record.

After a long time of just staring at the pages, Mac looked up when someone knocked at the open door. It was the Gunny.

"Ma'am, a Lt. Cmdr. Sullivan is waiting in the meeting room for you."

"Thank you, Gunny. I'll be right there."

Gunny nodded before he headed back to his desk. With a deep sigh, Mac rose from her chair, not yet ready to go into the lion's den, but knowing she had to. On her way to the meeting room, she ran into Harm.

"I heard the JAG investigators from Norfolk arrived." he uttered and turned around to walk by her side for a while.

"I am on my way to talk to them."

"Want me to join you?"

"What for?" Mac snapped at him. "Look, Harm, I will just tell those guys to get back to Norfolk and write in their report whatever they feel like."

"Oh no, that you will not do. You will cooperate. You deserve this medal more than anyone else."

"I do not, and you know it. Besides, I don't care about this damn medal. It's not worth the effort."

"Excuse me? Mac, listen to me." Harm stopped her and turned her to face him. "The Medal of Honor is not given out like candy, you know that. Not to mention that they consider you a possible recepient is a great boost in your career. Don't you see how much this can change for you? Whenever someone looks into your service record, they will not see the murder charges and article 32 hearing for comitting adultery anymore, they will see your Medal of Honor."

"Gee, thanks for bringing that up, Harm."

"I am sorry, this came out the wrong way. All I want to say is that this medal will bring you back down to an even record. Maybe it will even push your promotion, and in 3 years, you'll be a full Colonel."

Mac just crossed her arms in front of her chest, not giving him a reply of any sort.

"Sarah, can't you at least understand me a little bit? You saved my life, without you I probably wouldn't be here today. I am so proud of you about what you did. People should know that there is a lady Marine Colonel at JAG who risked her life to save others. You deserve this honor more than anyone else. It was not your job to do this, and yet you did it."

"I do understand you, but how often do I have to tell you that I didn't do this for the honor or anything. I got the best possible reward out of this. You, Harm. That is all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. I have a great career, the man I love, what else do I need? It sure is not another ribbon I have to put on this uniform."

"But..."

"No buts." Mac interrupted him. "I don't want my past dragged into public which will exactly happen, we both know the drill. There are so many things in my record that I am not proud of, that I am embarrased about. I don't need some people snooping around in my past to tear up the wounds that have healed over the years. I hope you can understand that."

With that, Mac turned around and left Harm standing alone in the hallway.

1522 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA

Harm sat at his desk, reading in a folder he had found on Mac's desk while looking for a file concerning their current investigations. He couldn't believe the things he read, couldn't believe that there was so much he didn't know about.

"What'cha reading there?" Mac called upon entering his office and closed the door behind her.

"Uhm, uh, nothing." he stammered and tried to stuff the file into a pile of folders, but Mac was quick enough to grab it before he could do so.

"My service record? HARM!"

"It lay on your desk openly." he excused himself.

"And what exactly where you doing in my office?"

"Looking for the Masters file."

Mac groaned and slammed the file on the desk.

"You had no right to read this."

"Does it make you feel any better if I tell you that I can understand now why you fight this medal so much?"

Harm got up from his chair and gently pushed Mac down in a chair in front of his desk. On her face, he could read an expression of hurt - and fear.

"You want to talk about this?"

Mac should her head no.

"Please?" Harm begged.

"You know, Harm, this is exactly what I had tried to avoid. Old wounds being opened up. Instead of the JAG investigators from Norfolk, it's you doing that to me."

"I only want to help you."

"If you want to help me, forget you ever read that file, understood, Commander?" Mac spat at him in her best Marine voice.

Harm immediately snapped to attention.

"Aye, aye, ma'am. Your partner will forget about that, Colonel, but the man who loves you will not let go of it."

2319 ZULU
Mac's apartment
Georgetown, DC

Mac dropped her briefcase on the ground and closed the door behind her. Taking her cover from her head, she rubbed her neck and closed her eyes for moment to enjoy the calmness of her apartment when the sounds of jingling pans came to her ears.

Her eyes quickly popped open at the sounds. Kicking off her shoes on her way and taking off her jacket, she went to the kitchen and saw exactly what she had suspected the moment she had heard sounds in the kitchen. Harm was trying to make dinner for her though she had told him that she rather wanted to be alone that night.

"I thought you said you wanted to go over to your place tonight." she inquired and studied him in his blue jeans and yellow shirt.

"I know I said that, but after only 5 minutes at my place I got lonely and thought I'd come over to make you dinner. Spaghetti alla romano."

"What word didn't you understand of what I said earlier? That I wanted to be alone tonight or that I wanted to be alone?"

"Mac, I know I did something today that upset you. All I wanted to do is apologize and make up to you. Just let me finish the pasta for you and I will leave if you still want me to go, okay? Let me make sure you are all right, and I am outta faster than you can say goodbye."

"Fine, whatever. Finish making dinner. I'll run myself a bath in the meantime."

Harm was about to say something, but Mac immediately cut him off by raising her hand.

"The bathroom is no fly zone for you tonight, Flyboy, all right?"

"I just wanted to ask what you'd like to drink with dinner. Your fridge is pretty much empty, so I might have to run by the grocery store."

"Whatever is in there is fine with me."

Harm nodded at her shortly before she left to enjoy a bath until dinner was ready.

2343 ZULU
Mac's apartment
Georgetown, DC

Mac lay in her tub, dozing. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing was low but steady when Harm poked his head through the door to tell her that dinner was ready.

He smiled at the sight in front of him. He knew Mac had told him to stay out of the bathroom tonight, but he felt the incredible urge to just scoop her out of the tub and cuddle her close to him.

His eyes fell on the scar on her upper left arm and it reminded him how close had he come to lose her. Just a couple of inches to the right and she'd been shot in her chest, dangerously close to her lungs and heart. She probably would have never made it back to the Seahawk - and all because she had been trying to save his six and get him out of Iran.

So what was this Medal of Honor compared to what really happened out there in the desert? A simple piece of metal and nothing more. It was not worth going through the nightmare in Iran again, it was not worth even thinking back to that day, about how close he had come to lose her before telling her how much she meant to him.

But Harm knew that this was not going to be a problem for Mac. It rather was what he had read in her service record, something that had happened 10 years earlier during her first assignment in Kosovo. Her file had not mentioned anything else than an article 32 hearing and that she had been awarded with a medal shortly after.

Harm closed the door behind him to give her a couple more minutes to relax when he suddenly heard water splashing and Mac crying out some words he couldn't understand. He pushed the door open again and realized that Mac apparently had a nightmare.

"Sarah! Sarah, wake up!" he cried, grabbing her by her wrists to stop her from hurting herself by constantly banging against the tub.

Mac struggled in his grip even more, forcing all her strength on him to free herself. She kicked with her feet and wriggled in his grasp. Harm didn't know anything else to do to wake her up than push her under water for a second.

He quickly pulled her up into a sitting position when he realized that she was starting to open her eyes and gasp for air. She focused on him and realized that she was still in her bathroom and all had been only a bad dream. Her bottom lip started to quiver, and before the tears could start trickling down her cheeks, Harm scooped her up into his arms into a tight embrace.

"I am getting you all wet, Harm." Mac sniffed.

"That's okay." Harm soothed her, cradling her in his arms.

When he felt she had settled down, he reached for the fluffy towel Mac had put next to the tub and wrapped her into it. Then he guided her outside into the bedroom and told her to sit down on the bed.

"I don't want to hear anymore excuses that you don't want to talk about this, Marine. You will - here and right now. I don't care if you are only dressed in a towel, I don't care if you a dripping wet. All I care about is you."

Mac dropped her gaze to her hands, avoiding Harm's glance.

"Sarah, look at me." Harm demanded, tilting her face up to him. "You never told me that the trial for murdering Christopher Ragle wasn't the first murder trial you had to go through. Why?"

"I thought it wasn't relevant, Harm. It was no court martial, just an article 32 hearing. They dropped the charges, telling me it was an accident. Harm, I shot a fellow Marine in Kosovo. I got a medal for killing a 22 year old!"

"Tell me, Sarah, tell me what happened in Kosovo." Harm demanded, sitting on the bed next to her.

"Don't you have some pasta to take care of?"

"Sarah, the truth. I won't move an inch until you have told me what happened."

"It was a cold autumn night," Mac finally started, "and a lot of Marines suffered from food poisoning, so I was assigned the night shift patrolling in front of our camp. I was handed a M-16 and sent outside into the woods. The previous night, we had had two attacks by militia groups, so I was pretty cautious out there in the dark..."

2242 ZULU
9 years earlier
2 miles North of Produjevo
Kosovo

First Lieutenant Sarah Mackenzie strolled along the dark path in front of 7th Battalion Marine Camps when she suddenly heard something rustling in the bushes. She whirled around and pointed her flashlight at the brushes, but couldn't see anything.

"Ryker?" she called for the Private Second Class who was on duty with her that night, but didn't get a response.

Her M-16 pointed at the bushes, she slowly approached, ready to use it if she had to. The next few seconds played like slow motion for Mac. She heard someone cry out in the woods and started to run, run like hell when fire was opened in her direction. She didn't know who was firing at her, neither where the shooter was, so she just returned fire, pointing the gun at nothing particular, just the direction someone was firing back at her.

Another cry echoed through the woods, and the shooting stopped. Mac heard voices screaming in a foreign language. Probably the same militia group that had attacked the camp the night before. Mac stepped out of her hiding place behind a tree when silence fell around her. Reaching for her radio, she found it lost. She probably must have lost it while running and jumping over bushes and branches.

"Ryker!" she called again - and again didn't receive a response.

Making her way through the woods to the point where she thought she had seen the fire was coming from, she suddenly fell over something and hit the ground full length. Raising to her knees and turning back to see what she had fallen over, she saw the dead body of Private Second Class Michael Ryker.

0003 ZULU
Present
Mac's apartment
Georgetown, DC

"Autopsy report said he was shot with my M-16. Two bullets in his chest, one in his head. I didn't even know he was there. I thought he was still on the other side of the camp. He shouldn't have been there."

Harm had scooted closer to her while she was telling her this story and now placed his arm around her shoulders, squeezing her close.

"There was no way you could have known."

"I should have known. I just should have."

"What did the JAG investigators say?"

Mac sighed deeply, "Two days later, they found two more corpses further in the woods in Serbia. The guys were known for their activities in the militia group. With them, they found half a dozen hand grenades in their backpacks. An autopsy found out that the two had bullets from my gun in their bodies, one of them also a bullet that came from Ryker's M-16. That's why all charges where dropped, ruling this incident as an accident. The JAG investigators assumed Ryker came to my help when I called for him and accidentally ran right into the line of fire. He was killed by friendly fire they said."

"We would have come to the same conclusion, don't you think?"

Mac solemnly nodded her head yes.

"But there's more to this, am I right?"

"It was the first time I ever shot someone!"

While saying this, Mac broke out in tears. Harm gathered her in his arms, rocking her back and forth to soothe her and gently stroking her damp hair.

"Do you understand now, Harm? I shot two Iranian, I shot Ryker, and I will get a medal for it? Why? People don't deserve to be honored for killing others."

"Sarah, you didn't get the medal for shooting Ryker, nor will you get the Medal of Honor for shooting two Iranians. You protected fellow Marines back in Kosovo, that is why you were awarded this medal. I assume Ryker got it awarded post mortem?"

"Yeah, he did. It was handed over to his mother."

"And do you know why you will be awarded this Medal of Honor?" Harm asked, pulling back from her to look her into the eyes. "You saved three people's lives, you were ready to sacrifice your own. You walked I don't know how many miles through the Iranian desert to find us with nothing more than a gun and a compass. You easily could have gotten lost. Nobody asked you to do this but you did. I know you did it for me, Sarah, but you also did it for your country. This country is proud of you for what you did. You understand that?"

Mac looked up at him with teary eyes and nodded.

"Look, why don't I talk to Chegwidden tomorrow morning and tell him to call off the investigation. If they feel they have to award you with this medal, they either do it or not. Nothing that happened in your past should be in consideration for their final decision. It has nothing to do with what happened to you years ago."

"I really appreciate your concern, Harm, but this is definitely something I have to do on my own. I have to deal with this, and somehow I know I will, okay? I just need time."

Harm nodded and once again scooped her into his arms and into a tight embrace when they both suddenly smelled something.

"Harm?" Mac asked unsure if what she was smelling was supposed to be a good sign or not. After tasting his meatless meatloaf, she never could be sure.

"SHIT!" Harm exclaimed. "The pasta!"

1643 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA

" Ma'am, there's a phone call for you!" Gunny called through the bullpen in Mac's direction.

"Put it through into my office, Gunny." she replied and entered her office.

She sat down in her chair and placed the files down before she reached for the receiver.

"Yes, Colonel Mackenzie speaking." she uttered a little distracted, her attention drawn on the file in front of her which she flipped open.

"How's my princess doing?" a male voice asked on the other end.

"Uncle Matt!" Mac exclaimed happily and leaned back in her chair, leaving the file alone. "I am doing great. How about you? Do they treat you well at Leavenworth?"

"Oh yeah, well enough to hand me a newspaper every morning. Why do I have to read on the front page that my niece will be awarded with the Medal of Honor on Saturday instead of having her tell me in person?"

"I am sorry, uncle Matt. Things have been pretty mixed up around here lately. I got a big case load, and then I had two JAG investigators asking me stupid questions about the medal and stealing my time..."

"Sarah, I don't know much about what you did to deserve this medal, but I know you well enough to know that the nightmares came back like last time you were awarded a medal. Am I right?"

"Once." Mac replied honestly.

"The article said you saved your sailor's six again?"

"Oh yeah, and he's gonna owe me for that for the rest of his life."

Matt O'Hara remained silent on the other side for a moment, smiling to himself.

"Uncle Matt?"

"Sorry, Princess. I was just... is there something else you need to tell me about?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every other time I referred to Cmdr. Rabb as your sailor, you started to tell me he was not. What changed, Sarah?"

"I am in love, uncle Matt." was Mac's simple reply.

"So he finally opened his heart to you. You have a good man on your hand, I hope you know that."

"I know, and it means a lot to me you said that."

"Sarah, I hope you know I would love to be there for you on Saturday for the big event."

"I know, uncle Matt, I know. In my heart, you will be there with me."

"I am so proud of you, Princess."

"Don't be. I am a Marine, I did nothing unusual. It was my job."

"It was not, you know that, and I know that. Still, you are my niece, Sarah. I will always be proud of you. I am sorry I have to go know, but my phone calls are limited. Next time you visit me, bring me that Medal so I can have a look at something a true hero got awarded. Bye, Princess. I love you."

"I love you, too. Bye."

2007 ZULU
Navy Yard
Washington DC

Harm nervously played with his fingers as he watched the President walk up to the mic to give his usual speech about why a certain medal was awarded to someone standing on the stage behind him. Harriet, who was sitting in the front row next him, gave him a quick look to tell him that he was making everyone nervous by cracking his knuckles.

Harm quickly apologized to her before he turned back to the stage and glanced at Mac, who was broadly smiling at him before the President started with his speech and she came to stand at full attention.

"On 22 June 2001, Lt. Col. Sarah Mackenzie did traverse 15 miles of desert in darkness. Upon reaching her objective, she secured the freedom of 3 Naval officers, who were being held hostage, while under fire. In the process she herself sustained a wound to her arm. This mission was undertaken and accomplished with total disregard for her personal safety and thus is in keeping with the highest tradition of the United States Marine Corps."

The President turned away from his mic and took the medal he was handed out of the box.

"Col. Mackenzie, a grateful nation awards you its highest honor, and my personal thanks for a job well done goes along with that."

Mac's eyes sparkled with proud when she took her cover from her head and bowed in front of the President as he placed the medal around her neck.

"Thank you, sir."

The President had a light smile on his face as he shook hands with Mac. After all, the first medal he ever awarded was the highest medal the United States had to offer, and he awarded a female Marine Colonel with it.

Mac snapped off a sharp salute and noticed out of the corner of her eyes that Harm, Harriet, Bud and the Admiral in the front row were saluting as well to her honor. The President dismissed her with a sharp salute, and Mac made a dismissal turn back to her seat.

The broad smile she had given Harm earlier was playing across her face again when she returned to her seat at the side of the stage. Like Harm, Mac nervously started to play with her fingers, eager to get back off stage as fast as she could.

Harm immediately pulled her into a big bear hug when she finally walked off stage with the four other officers who had been awarded their medals after the ceremony was over.

"The traditional kiss will have to wait till we are in private." he whispered into her ear, and Mac chuckled slightly in return.

"Congratulations, Colonel." the Admiral uttered firmly and shook hands with her. "On behalf of the whole JAG Corps I might say that we are very proud of you."

"Thank you, sir."

"Cmdr. Rabb, where is the traditional kiss the Colonel deserves?"

Harm smiled at the Admiral before he turned over to Mac and lowered his head towards hers, waiting for the Admiral's usual 'gently, Officer' - which he didn't hear.

"To hell with it." he whispered shortly before his lips touched with Mac's.

They both closed their eyes, and for the few seconds their kiss lasted, they didn't care about all the officers standing around them and watching. Finally, Harm pulled back and rested his forehead against hers.

"I am so damn proud of you, Marine." he whispered, bringing a wide smile on her face.

Meanwhile, the President joined the small group of JAG officers watching Harm and Mac.

"Admiral, you have one fine officer there." he said and shook hands with AJ before he indicated Harm with his head. "Her husband?"

"Oh no, sir. Cmdr. Rabb is her partner at JAG." AJ replied.

"Rabb, now that name sounds familiar. Wasn't he one of the officers the Colonel saved?" The President shortly turned back to Harm and Mac. "This truly is the best example for what you are capable of when you are in love."

"Yessir, Mr. President, it is."